


This Is Us

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Brian's Heart Surgery, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hospital, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Recovery, heart surgery, too many feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-25 17:06:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12040377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: "Nick. This is us. - Brian said, leaning his chin upon Nick's shoulder as his arms clinged around him. - What we've been through, what we have been able to fight and win... everything that's under the bridge is what has shaped us into who we are now. I wouldn't change anything. But I won't let it define us. We're more than that. We are us."





	1. Prologue

Prologue

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The whisper found its way into the air, loud enough to tear that blanket of silence that had fallen into the room.

“I...”

Fingertips touched the face, leaning against those lips that were ready to say something that would make everything even more complicated and difficult.

“No. Please. Just don’t say it.”

It was just so heartbreaking that plea. A stab into a soul that was already crying, weeping for something so good that was slipping away so cruelly from its fingers, Those fingers that now touched their mates, holding them as if they could put up another objection.

Another reason for not letting everything end in that way.

“Just tell me why. Just give me a reason why we can’t... – A sob broke the voice, forcing out a tone that turned into another knife. – Please.”

Silence. Sad blue eyes that didn’t, or couldn’t, managed to hold the gaze. “You don’t know what it is. You can’t know. And I... – Those blue eyes looked down, sadder than they had been before. - I can’t let it happen now.”

For a moment, the other voice didn’t know what to say. What more could it say to make the other one listen to its words? Words that just wanted to be heard; words that just wanted to be accepted and cradled as if they were something precious. As if they hold all the truths, and the key for those two souls to be finally happy and complete.

And, in that silence, only two breathing could be heard, one the opposite of the other. Only two heartbeats made themselves echoing against the walls, their rhythm faster and faster as seconds passed by.

It was now or never. It was the only chance he got to make it work, to make him see that they could work together because they fit. Perfectly. Two halves of the same being. Two incomplete souls that needed each other to be finally complete.

“I know perfectly what it is. I know perfectly that what we have isn’t just friendship. And you know it too. – Everything was black around them, no one had thought about turning the lights on. But it was such a nice night, one of those where stars shone so brightly and the moon danced on the floor, creating and drawing shadows so it could play with someone. Still, he couldn’t see the other boy although every features of his face were so mesmerized into his head that he could already pictured his expression in that moment: a sad smile curving the lips, blue eyes that now were more like the grey sky of a storming day. – I love you. And I’m not afraid to say it.”

Those fingers stopped abruptly that caressing, soft and gentle touches on the cheek that had managed to bring up heat and warmth. Yet, he was still there. He was still close, closer that they had ever been in a lifetime: his skin was still caressed by his breath, a soft wind that sent shivers up and down his spine; his mere presence intoxicated the room, being the only aroma that he could taste everywhere around him. But that little space of distance left between them suddenly seemed like there was an ocean dividing them.

“You can’t. Please...” It was just a broken whisper and it sound forced, as if the voice wanted to say something else, something that could convey happiness because those words... weren’t those words what he would have loved to hear? However now they sounded like a curse. A torture.  Because he couldn’t take those words and make them his, letting happiness filling him as if he was an empty vase.

He just couldn’t let himself.

Not now.

“But I can. And I do. – The voice got closer and hands blocked the smaller boy as if they didn’t want to let him run away before that discussion was settled. – I know that you do too.”

“I...”

“Don’t. – The voice became firmer. Stronger. He was tired of that façade. He was tired of being told what he was supposed to do and what he couldn’t. He wanted it. He wanted him, as fierce as it could possible to feel. – Don’t say that I can’t love you. Stop saying that I’m taking this thing too seriously. Or that I’m too young to know what love is. This isn’t just me misunderstanding our friendship. This is me loving you. This is me feeling what you feel about me, equally and probably more than I’ve ever loved someone else in my life. Don’t bullshit me.”

Foreheads touched each others, leaning so close that all they could see, all they could do was let themselves be swallowed by that infinite blue colors, of different shades but holding the same brightness and intensity.

“It’s not a fairytale. There’s no happy ending guaranteed this time.”

“That’s what it is all about? This is your reason for this… - He shook his head, as if it could take away that thought. – Are you afraid that I’m gonna break your heart? That I won’t stand by you?”

“No.”

“Are you afraid of breaking my heart?”

“No.”

“Then why? For Christ’s sake, Bri! Why? Why are you being so stubborn?”

Nick watched Brian biting down on his lips, closing his eyes in that peculiar way that told everyone that he was irritated. That told Nick that he was exasperated by him and those million questions that he usually asked him, because no one else had the same patience like Brian. And that time wasn’t different at all because there was so much more in stakes than a curiosity that needed to be filled: Nick had cornered Brian, blocked him into a position where he couldn’t escape, he couldn’t run away without giving him an answer.

And Nick wanted it now. And he wanted it to be the one he had desired and wished for so long.

Too long.

Nick was tired of dancing around the same point, circling and circling it until they became too afraid to actually take the last step. He had done it so many times, nights when he had almost crossed a line before a voice would block him and whisper that their friendship, so special and so important, was about to be doomed with a kiss.

But he wanted it.

He wanted Brian.

They could make it work. They could make it last longer than infinity. They could and that thought was bigger than the fear, an anticipation of endless days in the sun while winter kept staying in the shadows.

What was Kevin always saying about them? Oh, right. If one of them would jump, the other would follow him in a blink, without even thinking about the consequences. And, in that moment, Nick was about to jump, taking Brian’s hand so he was damn sure that they wouldn’t get separated. But Brian was putting up a defense and a resistance that Nick hadn’t foreshadowed. Brian was digging his heels into the ground, his objections only empty words because Nick could see through him.

For the first time Nick could see something that he had never seen before in those eyes. He could see fear. Uncertainty. Indecision. And those shadows weren’t able to make him stop, to analyze the situation and trying to understand where that fear came from. No, quite the opposite. Those gray clouds only fueled his need, pushing him to take another step, and another one. And another one until Brian couldn’t escape, until Brian couldn’t refuse to admit that what they could have was way stronger than fear.

“I’m not being stubborn. – Brian replied, trying to putting so much strength and fierceness into his tone. – You’re the one that can’t see what it is at stake.”

“I can only see that you are acting like a coward, something that I’ve never thought it could happen.”

“I’m not a coward. – The hiss came out with a light that, finally, swept away that dullness in Brian’s eyes. – I’m trying to protect you.”

“From what?”

“From what could happen. From what it might happen in a couple of months.”

Brian lowered his head, not wanting Nick to see those tears that were trying to push their ways on the cheeks. He always kept his cool, he always acted as if it wasn’t something that big, something that wasn’t going to change his whole world and life.

But deep inside Brian was scared.

How could he tie Nick into that mess? He loved him, that had never been questioned or doubted. And that love, that deep and strong feeling intertwined around a boy that had became the centre of his world, was the reason why he didn’t let himself close. He didn’t allow himself to be that close, surrounded by Nick’s aroma and those eyes that could make him forget everything around him, pulling him into an ocean when nothing could go wrong. Sirens were calling him, beckoning him into a surrender that didn’t feel like giving up; dangerously he was playing with a fire that could end up into a burning flame and, that was the worst thought of all, it could end up hurting Nick badly.

How could he let it happen?

If the surgery went wrong, if he would end up dead, how could Brian let Nick go on as if half of his heart hadn’t died too?

“That’s your fear, then? That you could die?” An ironic laugh started to bubble inside Nick’s throat, the only mean he knew to defeat that paralyzing fear that, despite his words and facade, was torturing since the day Brian had announced that he needed a surgery.

A heart surgery.

Almost unconsciously, one hand travelled up from the arms, stopping on that same place where, in a few months, a doctor was going to open as if it wasn’t nothing. As if it didn’t matter the world to him. As if the world wasn’t going to turn cold and grey if...

No. Nick didn’t even let his mind finish that thought.

That was why being blunt was the only choice in that moment. It was something so big, so impossible to deal with that it was better to push under the rug, making it seems like it wasn’t that challenging or serious, Brian wasn’t going to die. Brian was going to be just fine and that was the end of that discussion.

“Just because you don’t want to accept it, it doesn’t mean I can...”

“Can what? Stopping living? Putting everything in hold just because there is a minimal chance that you aren’t going to make it? That’s your solution?”

“It’s not small, Nick. Just because you don’t like it...”

“You want me to admit that I’m scared? You want me to tell you that I’m scared shit about you and your heart? – Nick found himself suddenly shouting, his emotions feeling like they had decided to ride a rollercoaster without even saying nothing. – Because I am. Fuck! What kind of person do you think I am?”

The confession hit a nerve in Brian, a string that wasn’t ready to untie itself from that part of his soul that was still trying to fight that unbelievable decision that the mind had taken. As always his first thought was to reassure Nick but, at the same time, another one found a way to make himself heard: what about him? Who was going to reassure him? But that thought was crashed as if it was a noisy bee: one hand, a foot and there it was gone. He needed to be strong. He needed to be confident if he wanted Nick to believe him, and to understand why that idea couldn’t became real.

Not now.

“Nick, I know you care. So why can’t you understand why it’s a mistake?”

“Because it’s not a mistake. How can it be, Brian? I love you. You love me. Why can’t we be together? Why can’t I stay with you, by your side, instead than watching and suffering?”

“Because you will suffer. If I die, those months are going to be the constant reminder of what you had and lost. I can’t let you go through that. I can’t hurt like that.”

“Bullshit, Brian. Bullshit.”

“Nick, try to be...”

“No. You’re the one being unreasonable! You’re the one hurting both of us and you can’t even see how wrong you are.”

Was he really unreasonable? Was he really so caught up into his “hero complex” that he couldn’t see the truth? Nick was there, in front of him. Nick was there, looking at him with those eyes bearing so much pain, so much anger and frustration. So much, infinite love. Was he really that masochist to give it up? Brian’s resolution faltered. He was struggling to control himself, the temptation to just throw everything out of the window and kiss Nick was so strong, vibrating inside his veins and making his nerves a bundle of never – ending trembles.

He could do it. Nothing was really holding him back. He could kiss Nick, ask and beg forgiveness for that foolish and stupid idea, and spend those months trying to make the most of them. At least, if something was really going to happen, he wasn’t going to have any regret.

Brian stood on his tiptoes, his hands cupping Nick’s face and lips finally meeting their sisters and companions. It was sweet, it was only a small caress that left everything out in the open, free for them to grab it and make it the best thing ever happened. Kissing Nick was like finally discovering a part of himself that he had never been able to see, touch or just imagine; kissing Nick made the whole world turning into a myriad of colors and sensations, fireworks that exploded in the dark and, yet, they didn’t hurt or burn. Kissing Nick was going home, finally, that place where there wasn’t need to hide or wear a mask.

Kissing Nick was magical and, at the same time, was a slight stab in that frail heart of his. With a kiss, Brian was dooming both of them in living half alive, worrying every single moment and not really knowing what the future could hold for them. And Nick... God, Nick was so young! He had all the time in the world to find someone to look after and care, he had all the time in the world to settle down and deal with life and death, ups and downs.

Nick didn’t deserve those months of not knowing, of living as if nothing was really set in stones or wondering if that kiss would be the last. He deserved so much more, taking whatever life was about to offer them now that the world was finally falling in love with them. He deserved to have fun just like any other boy of his age, going out and meet people who... well, who were healthier than him.

And Nick would never had that chance if Brian didn’t go out that room now.

So, just as sudden as he kissed him, Brian broke the kiss off abruptly. Blue eyes looked at him, so confused and pained, full of a hurt that Brian knew he was the one to blame. But it was for the best. That was the best option, no matter how much Nick was going to fight him. No matter how much his own heart was breaking in that very moment, shattering down in pieces because there was no heroic sacrifice in what he was doing: it was cruel. It was intentional, worst of all. But one day Nick was going to understand why he was doing that. Maybe it wouldn’t be enough to forgive him but he could understand the reason behind it.

He had to.

“Please... – Nick’s broken plea echoed inside the room, fingers tightened up their hold around Brian’s waist. He wasn’t going to let him disappear. He wasn’t going to let him out of the room, out of his life. Not after that kiss. Not after giving him the proof that they did belong to each other, they did complete each other in ways that it was almost impossible to say and define. – Don’t do this.”

“Nick...”

“No. No. No. No.”

“It’s for the best.” Brian’s voice was latched with tears, not ashamed anymore to let them stream down his face.

“It’s not. You know it’s a lie. – Nick didn’t let go, no matter if Brian was trying to get himself free from his grip. He wasn’t going to let him go. – Please. Let me try. Just give me one chance. You know that I’ll be good.”

“Nick.” Brian whispered that name in a broken tone, tears running down his face and not even an ounce of shame if someone, if Nick, was going to see them.

“Please. You can’t do it on your own.”

“I can’t tie you in this.”

“Yes, you can. I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna take care of you. I’m gonna stand by your side every step. Please, don’t shut me out.” Desperation and anguish were so vivid in Nick’s words, in those lips who frantically tried to convince Brian to let him stay. Or convince him to stay. It didn’t matter, it just mattered that they stayed together.

“I’m not. I’m trying to do the right thing. Even if it hurts. – Brian leaned his forehead against Nick’s, one last glance to those eyes that had always been so mesmerizing. – Please, let me go.”

“No.”

“Nick. Please. You’re gonna thank me later.”

“You’re crazy. I love you. That’s not gonna change just because you’re a fucking coward.”

Brian took the blunt force of those words, letting it wave around him as if he didn’t even want to put up a resistance. He deserved it, after all. He was breaking Nick’s heart, he was shattering his own sick heart, he didn’t deserved to be protected and defended by the fall out.

“I know. And that’s why you have to let me go.”

Nick was openly crying, he didn’t care anymore about those salty tears streaming down his face. Frantically his mind tried to come up with a thousand and infinite reasons why it was a mistake, why he could really be something amazing for Brian. But Brian was stubborn. And scared. And so fucking convinced that he was doing the wise thing, that protecting Nick from whatever chaos his surgery could bring, was the most important thing. And Nick... Nick didn’t know how to object. He was at loss, mostly because of that blinding pain that had started to burn within himself.

And that, at the end, turned out to be his mistake.

Brian took that chance, that window of opportunity, to free himself from Nick’s grip. It physically hurt him to do so, especially since half of his heart was screaming and begging to be closer, so closer that nothing could ever distance them ever again.

“I’m sorry Nick.”

Before Nick could reply, before Nick could reach out and block him once again, Brian opened the door and closed it behind his back.

Nick stood there. Nick stood there, watching that closed door and hearing, oh so distinctly, how his heart was breaking into million pieces, each one of them bleeding and pounding as if a knife had carved its way through bones and muscles. He could run after Brian. He could open that door and beg his way back to those arms.

But he knew that it was hopeless.

Brian had made his decision and there was no turning back: they could fight, they could scream and yell but, at the end, nothing and no one could make the older boy change his mind.

So Nick stood there, a hand placed upon the wooden surface of the door. Nick stood there, not knowing that Brian was still on the other side, a hand still wrapped around the knob and his forehead leaning against the door. Conflicted. Torn. Hurt and bleeding. A deep weight placed upon his shoulder, the knowledge that he had just broken something that could have been so magical and so perfect.

The realization that, maybe, he had just wasted his only chance to be happy and complete.


	2. First Chapter

First Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After that night, time passed by: nights gave into days and days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. Tension had started to arise within the group as the date of the surgery, along with the forced break from shows and appearances, loomed closer and closer. They didn’t know how to act, they didn’t know how to show reassurance and comfort, care and concern without sounding cliché or without acting as if Brian was going to break into million pieces with just one touch: it changed their perspectives, it forced them to see their friends with different eyes, as if until that moment they had been always fooled by smiles and an infinite quantity of energy and vitality. It was unsetting, at least: months of being used to lean on those shoulders, trusting him with the responsibility of the younger guys and now everything was turned upside down, with hawk eyes that followed every and observed each and every tired smile, or a grimace that put everyone on their toes.

Yet it wasn’t just worry that plumed the atmosphere around the group. Or, to better say, it wasn’t just worry about Brian and his well – being. They were also afraid of the consequences and, irrationally and illogical, a tiny part of them were angry at how their perfect dream might be broken when they were so close to make it real.

What if they were going to be forgotten?

What if everything that they had worked for would fall into ashes?

But those thoughts, those questions, were making things even harder because they knew it was just too cynical, that they shouldn’t feel that resentful because it wasn’t as if he had done it on purpose. But it was difficult to distinguish rational from irrational, truth from impulsive feelings and so distance was the only safe ground, the only reasonable choice so not to mess up things and relationships.

But they did feel like they were already staying on the sidelines of a disaster, watching it unraveling in front of their eyes and with nothing more than a few words to use as weapons. And even those didn’t do much effect, falling deaf while Brian kept going on as if nothing had literally changed, as if he wasn’t spending all of his free time trying to fight a tiredness that couldn’t be cured with sleep and rest. 

As if he wasn’t trying to keep his distance from everyone.

Nick especially.

No one really knew what happened between the two. One day they were talking like always, the next they didn’t even look at each other and, if they happened to cross one’s path, they wore that expression that it was hard to read: pain, longing, hurt, disappointment. One day they were together, smiling and trying to act as if nothing was really happening, and the next Nick looked like someone had killed his favorite pet, while Brian looked as if he had been the responsible. Tension strengthened itself around the group, a heavy air that it made impossible to stand together when it wasn’t necessary: yet, they kept looming around each other, trying to find the key that could unlock all those words they wanted to say and all the things they wanted to do.

Kevin tried to find that key, pushing himself to go and talk to his cousin. It was different, they were family and, even though a fight was bound to happen, he wasn’t certainly afraid or scared to get shouted at. Stubbornness was definitely a family trait, especially when it came down to weakness and sickness: Kevin could still remember a much younger Brian, barely out of the hospital, and yet already fighting and putting his foot down because he just wanted to be treated as any other boys. Not tiptoeing around. No pity looks. No telling him how he should or shouldn’t deal with those problems.

But that tenacity, most of the times, meant causing so much more problems than solutions because, at the bottom of the line, all Brian wanted was what everyone wanted in those kind of situations. Even if he didn’t want to admit it. And that was probably the main reason of that fight between him and Nick, with the latter pushing for being of help and the first refusing with so much coldness and fierce that it must have been hard not to react to. And Nick…

Kevin sighed as he entered Brian’s room without even knocking, knowing perfectly that he wouldn’t be welcomed. Thankfully Brian didn’t seem to notice or hear the sound of the door clicking, and that was probably explained by the fact that he was lying down the couch, curled up and probably asleep.

Like most of the times now.

Kevin hated to admit that he didn’t know how much bad the situation was. He hated to admit that he hadn’t made himself ask those questions burning in his mind, those fears of a never forgotten death lying around and dancing happily. So many times, though, he had almost let a word slip out of his mouth, just the beginning of that “ _How bad are you?_ ” question that everyone wanted to know but no one dared to say. They tried to cover their fear up with the lie of being worried about their career and their future but it only helped to mark that division even deeper, as if Brian was just making this up for a need of attention or whatever.

How bad was it really?

How blind have they been for not seeing the signs before? How blind has he been?

Kevin shook his head, trying to bid those thoughts away from his mind. It was in the past, true, though it was hard to let go of that feeling guilty that still haunted him like a trusted friend; it was in the past, true, but he had promised himself he wasn't going to make the same mistake all over again, offering his help only when the worst was already knocking at the door and announcing that it was time to go.

"Is it already time?" Brian's voice came out in a faint whisper, rubbed around a tiredness that pulled Kevin's heart in a tight rope. Was it really right to keep going on? Shouldn't he put down his foot down and call a stop? A break? But it took just one look on Brian's face, that impassible expression that hid everything and each weakness, to know that his cousin would never accept it.

"We still have an hour."

"Good."

Silence fell down between them, words kidnapped away by that strange and weird unfamiliarity. When did they become such strangers? When did they stop acting and feeling like family?

"Bri..."

"I was just resting. I'll be ready for tonight, don't worry. I won't mess up."

"That's not why I'm here." Kevin replied, slightly offended by that remark. Was that how Brian felt? That they only cared if he was ready or not for the show?

"Oh." Brian sat up, rubbing his eyes as if he could sweep away the tiredness he felt with that simple gesture.

"I wanna talk to you."

"About what?"

"You know what."

"Actually no, I don't."

But Brian knew. Of course he knew that the only reason his cousin wanted to talk about with him was the only thing he didn't want to even think about. Because it hurt, more than he could ever thought it was possible. It hurt, it bled like someone had come and taken his heart out of his chest, leaving only a pulsating hole.

And that someone had been himself.

"Yes, you know. - Kevin remarked without missing a beat. Without missing the way Brian's jaw line tightened up or how his eyes looked all puffed and red. - What happened between you and Nick?"

Hit straight through his heart. Right at the center of the matter. Maybe he should have locked himself instead than giving Kevin the chance to twist everything. The truth was that Brian didn't want to talk about it and, mostly, didn't want to be talked about how he made such a giant mistake: he already knew it, he had regretted his words the moment he had closed the door behind his back. But he couldn't go back, not now anyway.

"Nothing."

"Bullshit."

"None of your business."

"It is, actually. What happened?"

Kevin wasn't going to go down without a fight. And Brian was too tired to keep his defenses up, too tired and exhausted to pretend to be the strong one, the one who had all the answers and who had to keep everyone else together. He was falling, he was stumbling down because he truly loved Nick, he still did, and forcing himself to stay away had probably been one of the toughest and hardest decision ever made. Had he been right? Had it been the right choice? He didn't know, that was the truth. It couldn't be the right choice if he felt like something vital was missing from his heart; it couldn't be the right choice if Nick had to waste himself every night just to forget all the pain and the wounds Brian had put him through.

It couldn't be the right choice but, at the same, it felt like it was the only choice Brian had.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Kevin sighed, taking a seat next to his cousin: he wanted to reach out and pull him into a tight hug yet something prevented him to do so.

What had happened to them?

"You both looked like someone murdered the other. If it is just a fight..."

"I wish it was just a fight. - Brian admitted, eyes locked down on his hands. - I did what I have to do."

Something leaked through Brian's tone, although Kevin couldn't quite put his finger on. Those two had always been together, tearing themselves apart only when they were forced to separate and go back to their families and lives; those two had always been much closer than everyone could ever thought or imagined, pulling to each other as if they had always meant to be attracted by some sort of gravitation. The thought had come closer to Kevin's mind, teasing an idea that wasn't that bad because he knew how much Nick depended on Brian and how much Brian depended on taking care of the younger, And they did got closer and closer those past weeks, maybe the urgency dictated by Brian's surgery had pushed Nick to rush into something that they weren't yet ready for.

It was just so easy to picture how it went, how Brian must had backed down and pull his hands up while Nick must had kept pestering and pestering. Kevin understood Brian's reasoning, he would had done the same thing, that same thing his father had done so many years before. And, maybe, that was the reason why Kevin knew what big mistake Brian had just made.

And how it wasn't too late to make it up and fix it.

"It doesn't need to be that way."

"You don't know shit about..."

"Really? Because I kinda guess you've pushed Nick away. Even though you hated and regret every second of your decision."

Brian should had been surprised, shocked by Kevin's words and how he basically already figured out what had happened. Yet, he wasn't. They always had such a strange relationship, from not being really close because of the age difference to be closest they had ever been now that they were working together: the group had brought out traits of character that they had in common, a sensibility to understand things that no one else could read or see. So no, Brian wasn’t surprised about Kevin’s words but, at the same time, he didn’t want to hear whatever advice he would offer him.

It would only make him feel worse.

It would only make his heart shatter a little bit louder and hurt a little bit more.

“Kevin, I appreciate if...”

“I appreciate if you would just listen. Do whatever you want next but just listen.”

“You’re really patronizing, you know that?” A little chuckle lightened up the air, a small and tired smile made its way on Brian’s face and, just for a moment, Kevin thought that things could and would get better.

Just a second, though.

“I am. Always listen to your older.”

“You don’t know the whole story.”

“I don’t need to know it. You did what you always do when there is something wrong: you shut people out. You keep them at distance because you can’t stand their looks of pity or them worrying about you. Even though it kills you. Even though all you want is someone to hold on to when days are a little bit harder than normal.”

“I don’t need anyone.” Brian hissed, clenching his teeth and jaw almost painfully.

“Yes, you do. And you need Nick and this... this confused you.”

“I’m not confused. I know exactly what I’m doing. Nick... Nick will be better off without me.”

“Are you really sure? Have you seen Nick lately?” It was a rhetorical question, for of course Brian had seen Nick and how he was reacting to their fall out. Or, better saying, how he wasn’t reacting.

“Kev... – Brian started to say but then quickly dismissed those words. – He will be. I can’t... I can’t worry for him too. Not now.”

“Bri. He loves you. Everyone knows it. You know it. And I get that you can be quite scared about the whole situation, even if there was no surgery involved. But that’s love. You have to trust him. You have to trust that, somewhere down the line, there will be times when you will need his help and he’s going to offer it. Even without asking.”

Brian didn’t reply. He curled up, bringing his knees against his chest, chin leaning against them. Kevin’s words rang as true, they sounded as all those same words his heart had tried to tell him over and over again. He loved Nick, that had never been in doubt. But loving him didn’t mean that he couldn’t acknowledge the fact that he was still so young, too young to embark a relationship so serious and so deep.

Could he bond him into what the next months were going to be?

Could he bond him into just a few days of sun and then leave him in the rain, if things wouldn’t go as planned?

_No. I love him too much to inflict so much pain._

That was his answer, heart and mind always harmonizing and agreeing on that.

“One day he will understand why I did what I did. One day, I hope, he will forgive me.”

It was such a faint that, for a brief moment, Kevin wasn’t even sure he could hear it. His own heart wept for his cousin, bearing a weight that shouldn’t have been placed upon his shoulders at such a young age. He wanted to do more, he wanted to fix it because he couldn’t bear to see those two hurting and suffering when they should be soaring and exploring that new shade of relationship.

But Brian wasn’t going to step back. And Nick... Kevin could only hope that Nick wouldn’t let his own heartache turn into hate, deep and black hate that could ruin whatever was left of that love.

So Kevin, right there, didn’t offer any other advices. He didn’t try to change Brian’s mind, especially since he already knew it was such an impossible thing in that moment. Maybe, one day, he would be able to fix everything; maybe Brian would be able, one day, to look back at these moments, these days, and wondered how blind and stupid he had been.

But, for that fragment of time, Kevin just came closer to his cousin and placed an arm around his shoulders, enveloping in a reassuring and somehow comforting hug; For that just window of time, Brian forgot about how he had planned to be strong, how he hadn’t wanted anyone to see him breaking down under the weight of fears and doubts: he leaned his head on Kevin’s shoulder, finding it so simple to hide away, even if it was for just a couple of minutes and seconds.

“Kev? – Brian asked in a tiny voice, so small because it wanted to conceal the tiredness and the anguish that were creating the perfect storm inside his soul. – Can I ask you to do me a favor?”

“Of course.”

“Can… will you look after him?” Brian didn’t need to add _“if I’m gone”_ because those words were flying within the air, a cold reminder of what could happen once that that fearful date in May would be closer and closer.

“Bri... don’t think about it.” Kevin replied in a tight voice, trying to erase that simple thought. His cousin wasn’t going to die. It wasn’t a chance that could be taken in consideration.

It simply couldn’t happen.

It wasn’t going to happen.

“Please. – Brian’s voice almost broke, a sob that he just let out with a solitary tear that found its own death upon the skin. – I need to know he... he can’t be alone. You know this, right?”

Words wanted to come out, words wanted to reach out and simply make that pain and that suffer away with only a simply gesture. But Kevin knew that it wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t that fair. If it had been, maybe they wouldn’t even been having that conversation, more worried about doing a good job that night and ready for a couple of days of rest and relax.

Life wasn’t really that fair.

“You know I will.” Kevin only promised, although he could hear a piece of his heart slowly shattering and breaking at that hypothesis.

And if he tightened up the hug, well, none of the two men said a single word. And, in that hug, it was so simple to believe that things would be alright. The surgery. Nick. The future.

It was so simple to cover themselves in a perfect illusion.


	3. Second Chapter

Second Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_It started with a kiss._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It all started with a kiss.

Didn’t every story begin with it? Just a kiss, something so small that couldn’t and shouldn’t be that life changing. Oh, but it had been life changing! Even though it started as a joke, something that should have stayed meaningless.

Only a kiss.

It had been Nick the one making the first move. As always, he hadn’t thought about the consequences. He hadn’t thought about what could happen next, whether that kiss would ruin and destroy their friendship or if it would help it to make a step closer to what he really wanted.

He had to try.

That had been his only thought. His only intention. He wanted to try because something was there, although it was hard to tell exactly what it was. Attraction? Admiration turned into something more, dressed up for the night but hiding behind nothing more than a casual and platonic love? Or was it something more, something that could change everything and lead to something even more beautiful and powerful?

Nick didn’t know and he hated the unknown. Things had to be clear. Linear. That was the only way for him to deal with them.

So, he tried.

With a kiss.

The kiss that started everything, the kiss that

_“Brian, can I ask you something?”_

_Brian was sitting on the couch, a white page dangerously balanced upon one knee while the other was busy trying to find the perfect note on the guitar. Yet, when Brian heard Nick talking, he quietly discarded what he was doing and raised his head, blue eyes setting upon a different shade. Nick wasn’t sure, maybe it was just his heart playing games with him, but he was pretty sure that there was a different light in those eyes: a brighter light, a happiness that wasn’t intended for everyone. Or so he hoped._

_“Sure. What’s up?”_

_“I...” For a moment, Nick lost all his courage. It was a bad idea. A very bad idea. What the hell was he thinking? That he could go to Brian and ask that? As if it was the most normal thing in the world? Although a part of him wanted to turn around and just make it as if nothing had happened, Nick decided to go with his instincts. He had to know. Even if it meant receiving a no._

_“Hey, you know that you can ask me everything. Don’t be shy.”_

_Shy. Nick wasn’t shy in that moment. Nick was... anticipating. Expecting. “I need to test something.”_

_“Then why are you asking me? Usually you go to your favorite victim.”_

_“Howie isn’t right for this experiment.”_

_“Kevin?”_

_“God, no! Especially not Kevin!”_

_“You’re starting to scare me.” Brian replied, eyebrows raised with confusion and a little bit of concern. He placed the guitar next to him, having a feeling that the conversation would soon turn into something that he couldn’t quite place in that moment._

_“It’s nothing serious, I swear.”_

_“Why I don’t believe you?”_

_“Just trust me. You just have to close your eyes.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Can’t you just trust me?”_

_“Can’t you just tell me?”_

_“You’re impossible, you know?”_

_“You too, mister.”_

_A smile crept upon Nick’s face, a warm wave rushing over him and that feeling that it was the right thing to do. They were perfect for each other, everyone kept saying how they completed each other, finishing each other’s sentences as if they were sharing the same mind and brain. They were perfect and it had to mean something, otherwise why did fate have played its cards so that they could meet?_

_And, in the end, it was just a kiss, what could go wrong?_

_Brian was still looking at him, carefully studying his face and expression to try to understand what was going on. The closeness and the intimacy was almost intoxicating and it was hard, for Brian, to use rationality to win over those feelings. He almost wished he could have the strength to move a little, putting a bigger distance between him and that boy that had always been something more than just a friend. He almost wished he could just get up and walk away, because he already sensed that something was about to change: it was in the air, the atmosphere had suddenly turned around and its electricity could almost be seen, colorful sparks that were born every time their fingers would meet._

_It shouldn’t be happening. There were so many reasons why that relationship was so wrong in so many levels. Brian had listed them during all those sleepless nights spent turning around in a bed too small, too cold because Nick was in another room and he couldn’t feel and hear his quiet and peaceful breathing next to him._

_But it never worked._

_It shouldn’t be happening but he wouldn’t be sorry if it happened. He wanted it to happen, although he was a little too shy and too afraid to try. He had always wanted it but he had never dared to try, scared out of his mind that Nick would take it wrong, scared that he would be rejected and that it would ruin that perfect and special friendship._

_Oh, but he wanted it to so much!_

_It scared him. That intensity. That primordial need and want that would sparkle and ignite a fire every time the other boy would be around: his mind would go completely blank, his eyes wouldn’t stop follow him wherever he went, always wanting to be sure that he was within reach._

_He was going mad. And, at the same time, he didn’t know what to do fix his situation._

_But, apparently, Nick did know._

_“Just close your eyes. – Nick whispered, and that murmur was all it took for Brian’s body to be played victim with shivers. –  I promise it’s nothing to be afraid of.”_

_Brian eyed him cautiously, not really knowing if he should trust the other boy or if he should... no, that wasn’t even an option. Not anymore, at least. Getting away from that room, from whatever Nick had on his mind, wasn’t an option anymore. Everything was about to happen, whether if he was ready or not._

_And so, Brian listened to Nick. And so, Brian closed his eyes, his heart already skipping a beat. Could he hear it? Could Nick hear how fast and crazy his heart was running? Could Nick sense his insecurity? His anxiety?_

_Time seemed to pass by slowly: seconds stretched until eternity, freezing time’s hands and fingers until it was impossible to know how much it had passed already. But Brian felt its weight because not knowing what it was going to happen was making him crazy. Thoughts suddenly came alive, stronger than they’d ever been before: thoughts about something that it wasn’t right to think about but, hell, it was about time to stop thinking about what was the right or the wrong thing to do. Thoughts about finally tasting something that had always looked and appeared to be as a forbidden fruit, because age meant and could he really taste it if coming from his best friend?_

_Then it happened._

_Just a kiss._

_Just a kiss, yet it felt like it was so much more of that._

_Just a kiss. Just lips meeting for the very first time, at first tentative, not quite sure if it was something that they should and could do. Just a kiss, sweet because that was what Nick tasted of. Just a kiss and everything around them stopped: nothing breathed anymore; nothing made a sound because everything had been silenced and erased, closed off from a world where only Brian and Nick could exist. Just a kiss and there was no air anymore, sucked into the wind of feelings and emotions that were more alive than what it was possible to be._

_They stayed into that bubble for who knew how long. And it didn’t matter. It was as if they were finally discovering each other, meeting a new side of someone who has always be there but never quite right, never quite whole because there was this side hidden carefully._

_Not anymore._

_The kiss deepened. The kiss exploded with a need and a yearning that, finally, couldn’t be contained or told to be quiet. Nick’s hands got lost between Brian’s curls, their bodies searching and finding the right position so that they could be as close as possible. The kiss was oxygen for their hearts, a new melody that their souls had been trying to play but no one had never been able to hear and love._

_“This...”_

_Nick didn’t let Brian finish whatever he was trying to say. He could almost hear his thoughts, that rational and logic voice that wanted to put everything in prospective and no, that wasn’t what they needed now. What he needed. Gosh, he had waited so long, he had taken the courage from who knew where, and he was going to make the most out of it. Even if it meant keep kissing Brian to silence him._

_“No words.”_

_Another kiss. Lips that left a trail of warmth and fire, small bites of a pain that was still the sweetest because it was made of love and desire, heat and passion. But Brian managed to stop that moment, taking Nick’s face into his hands and forcing him to look directly at him._

_“I wasn’t going to ruin this moment. I’m not going to stop kissing you. Not now. Not ever.”_

_Those words caught Nick off guard, shaking a little that conviction that he was daring too much and too far. Brian’s eyes underlined that affirmation, shining with a light that Nick had always managed to take a glimpse but that was never enough, never sure if it was meant for him or if it was just a reflection of the sun._

_How stupid he had been!_

_How could he not see that they were sharing more than just a friendship? How could he not be able to see that it was love, or lust, or everything tied together within those oceans and pearls?_

_“Are you serious?”_

_Brian smiled and, in that smile, Nick found the reassurance that he needed so desperately. In that smile Nick found that it wasn’t just an experiment, something that he had wanted to try just because. In that smile Nick found a key to unlock the brightness and the light in his life, because how could his life be so dark now that he could kiss Brian and have him all for himself? So, Nick returned to taste Brian’s lips, returned to bask into an eternal happiness because those lips were addictive, sweeter than sugar and warm._

_Brian kept true his words, not even trying to object or to waste any precious second in talking. They would be talking, obviously. There were so many things to talk over, so many feelings that needed a name and a house. They needed to be careful, especially with the world looking at every step and half of the girls wanting more than a piece of paper with Nick’s name on it. They needed to be careful because it could be turned into something pervert, something that held so much more darkness than light. And Brian was so determined not to let it be ruined, not to let it be reduced into something only physical and sexual._

_It was so much more._

_But, for now, it was just a kiss. And a kiss could only lead to something even more beautiful._

 

It was only a kiss. Their beginning. It should have been something more, it should have been much more than a simple beginning. It turned out to be an ending, because sometimes fate decided that it was so much funnier watching people going crazy and heartbroken, twisting their lives as they had to fight even stronger for what they held deeper in their hearts.

It was only a kiss and both, Brian and Nick, believed that there were going to be more. Not just kisses, though. They believed that they could have more, everything that love had in store for a new couple.

It all started with a kiss but, the very next day, real life shattered that dreamy picture that was just about to come alive.

_Numb,_

_That was all Brian could think. That was all Brian could feel._

_Numb._

_Just the previous day everything had been amazing. A kiss. The most wonderful and amazing kiss. Hours spent together, discovering ways and ways to know each other differently, layers and layers that were about to be thrown out for there wasn’t any other obstacles and walls dividing them._

_It had been perfect._

_It had been almost like a dream._

_And now life was kicking him, pushing him to the ground as if it wanted to strip away everything with just one breath. And now life was telling him that no, he couldn’t have it all. He couldn’t have the love of his life, he couldn’t have that satisfaction of seeing millions of people screaming his name while he was singing._

_He couldn’t have it all because he had to stop everything, hoping that it would be enough to fix his sick heart._

_What an irony, thought. Just when he had thought he had found his matching half, that other part of his soul that could and would make him whole, his heart decided to just..._

_Numb._

_Being numb was a better way to feel instead than all those feelings and those thoughts. Especially because Brian could still feel Nick’s lips on his; he still could taste his kisses, his hands caressing a skin that seemed to be made just to be caressed by those long fingers._

_But it couldn’t go on._

_It just couldn’t._

_He couldn’t bound Nick, so young, to something like weeks of hospital, and that was if the surgery would go well. What would happen to Nick if he died? No, Brian couldn’t be selfish, although that was the only thing that he wanted to do in that moment: if he listened to his heart, if he listened to his soul already weeping against that decision, the first thing he would do was to take the boy and run away with him, run away from all those problems and hard decisions that were waiting to be made._

_Why did everything have to be so hard?_

_Why couldn’t he have it all?_

_Why couldn’t he be selfish, just this once?_

_He wanted it so badly. He wanted so badly to forget about responsibilities, about always doing the right thing even if it meant giving up something he loved so much. He wanted so badly to dismiss the reality of things and just leaning into that dream that had turned into a perfect fantasy. He wanted so badly but, at the same time, he knew that he couldn’t fool himself._

_He had responsibilities._

_He was the older. The wisest. Nick couldn’t and would be able to see it but one day, maybe, he would be able to see that Brian had been right all along. They couldn’t be together, not at that particular moment in time and space: Nick was young, Nick wanted just to experience all the good things that hard work was finally giving back to them. Would he be able to give up all of that just to be at his sickbed, watching him struggling to regain that health that had always been something taken for granted?_

_Numb._

_How could he decide like that?_

_How could he shatter two hearts, with just a word?_

_Numb._

_But he had to. He had to do whatever it took, even if it meant doing something that would break and kill both._

_Numb._

_Someone knocked at the door and, for the first time, Brian realized how long he had been sitting on the floor: day had already gone to sleep, moon and night had just woken up, stretching their arms and welcoming those hours of being the stars until it was their time to bow down. He looked down, feeling for the first time the cold that had wrapped its coat around his body, those tears that have been streaming down even if he hadn’t a clue up until that moment._

_He wasn’t numb anymore. He could feel his heart contracting painfully, beating furiously because it didn’t want to be the alibi and the justification for what he was about to do._

_Why was he feeling like he was a murderer?_

_There had to be another way but he couldn’t grasp it. He couldn’t see it because it’d meant to let Nick see a side that Brian had always tried to hide. He couldn’t touch it because that wasn’t the way a relationship should start: there should be dates, careless and flirting dates and not doctor’s visits or... Or worse._

_There wasn’t another way. And painfully Brian knew that there was no turning back, after opening that door and told Nick that they couldn’t be. He was about to sentence himself, without a chance to repeal._

It all started with a kiss.

And ironically, it all ended with a kiss.


	4. Third Chapter

Third Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everything was blurred, an alcoholic mist that made it look like it belonged to a dream.

Or an illusion.

The perfect illusion, the one where someone could believe that nothing that was going on was real or that a fantasy had finally wore the clothes of reality, standing there right before them in flesh and bone. The perfect illusion, for Nick, was taking in those sandy hair, almost the same shade but not quite identical because something was missing, something wasn’t like the real one; Nick could lose himself in those blue eyes, feverish eyes that were staring at him as if he was an easy prey to submit, and imagined that they belong to someone else.

To _him._

Music grew louder around him, its beating bass seemed to make its way through his body, pumping blood in an ecstatic rhythm that made his head spinning around and around until he couldn’t even remember where he was. Or why he was there and not...

Well, why he wasn’t with _him_.

Another shot. Another drink that went down his throat, burning until his eyes got a little misty. Images got blurred until all he could see was blonde hairs and blue eyes. They were everywhere, they followed him as if they wanted to corner him somewhere, bleed him until there was nothing left. Drinking wasn’t really a solution, drinking wasn’t really helping with making all those thoughts, all that pain and heartache, go away: it may have numbed them, it may have made them less vivid but, after it lost all its power and its strength, those images would come back again. Angrier. Stronger. Impossible to avoid. Impossible to fight.

But he still drank. He still hoped to make everything go away because it was a nightmare. A vivid nightmare, being so close to _him_ every day but not able to reach out and touch him. Or kiss him. Or hold him when it was so clear, to everyone and to the world, that _he_ was too tired to keep going on like nothing was really going on.

Alcohol made the fear less loud. Alcohol was the only thing that was keeping him alive, although it may not have seemed that way for the outside world. Alcohol whispered words of hope, that small and fragile flame that wanted him to believe that everything was going to be okay: it was just an operation, right? It was something that those doctors were used to, trained to, so worry was just a waste of time and energy.

_He_ had to be okay.

Brian had to be okay otherwise all that pain and suffer had been for nothing.

And yet Nick couldn’t quite let go of the anger and the hurt. He still couldn’t understand why Brian had decided to break up with him, although, to be honest, they had never been a couple to start with.

But they could have been. They could have spent those months together. They could have hold on to each other, hug tightly while they tried to fend off the fears and the worries. They could have been together and that was probably the worst thought, that image that never wanted to stay away from his mind: random guys have been part of his nights; random guys have tried to steal his attention but it never worked. It would never work because Nick just wanted one person, that same person that didn’t want him back. The same person that had first claimed to love him and then managed to break his heart in million pieces.

And so, Nick hated Brian for that.

Nick hated Brian for those tears that had been stuck in his throat since that night, those screams of desperation that no one heard and no one knew that they existed. And Nick hated how he couldn’t let go, how he kept passing by Brian’s room hoping, wishing to be strong enough to stop in front that door and knocking some sense into the elder’s mind.  Wishing and hoping that, some nights, it would be Brian the one stopping him from spending another night alone, lost in a pain that Nick never thought it could be possible.

So Nick hated Brian but, at the same time, loved him more than words would be able to ever convey that feeling in the deep of his heart. How was that possible? How could he be in love with the same person that made him feel so alone? How could he be still in love with the same person that left him, threw him in a dark room and forgot all about him? All about them? Perhaps that was the worst feeling, having lost the most important relationship in his life: Nick hadn’t just lost the one that could make his heart beat faster and faster, as if it was running a marathon and just wanted to come first; Nick hadn’t just lost his chance to find out if love was really that beautiful and mind-blowing emotion that everyone kept telling and saying: Nick had lost also his best friend, that one person that he had always counted on.

How could he be Frack without his Frick?

Another drink appeared in front of him but, this time, Nick didn’t take it. He left it on the counter, knowing that he would getting weird looks and stares from his friends. Friends. Well, that was quite an exaggeration. Those people weren’t his friends, he barely knew their names: they were just strangers that had feed that new addiction, people that had wanted just to be seen with him and demanded nothing more. It had been quite a relief, he just had to show up at a bar or to the latest hot club and just pay for the night: no one asked him about why he needed to drink away troubles; no one asked him why he didn’t talk about or with Brian.

God, he wanted to though. He wanted, longed to have someone asking him about what happened, asking him if he was okay and if he needed something. A hug. An advice.

Especially an advice. What was he supposed to do? Did he have to forget about Brian and that kiss? Did he have to move, act like nothing had ever happened and try to gain back their friendship? Or did he have to try, did he have to take Brian by the shoulders and…

God, he wanted to kiss him. That was what he would do. Kiss him until there was no air around them, kiss him until nothing mattered anymore, until the night had given space to the day and hours lost their meaning and importance. He wanted to block him inside his arms so Brian would never be able to run away ever again; he wanted to hold him until he was sure that they weren’t going to be apart, two halves alone and suffering for a stupid decision.

But Nick had never the courage to do so. It didn’t matter how many beers he drank. He didn’t matter how much liquid he poured into his blood, that strength coming from alcohol would always dissipate in that same very moment when he would find himself in front of Brian’s room.

And so, nights passed by. Mornings and days, until they merged together and, suddenly, there was only a couple of days before they would take that forced break. Before he wouldn’t be able to see Brian every day anymore, reassuring himself that, even if they couldn’t be together, he was still there: laughing and making everyone laughing even with his eyes tired and his shoulders hunched for too many worries and fears; singing and giving everything on stage, even if it took everything left in him. How many times had Nick wanted to go there and tell him that he needed to stop, even just for a couple of days? How many times had Nick wanted to reach out, take Brian’s hands and take him away from that circus that only wanted smiles and no tears?

But he didn’t have the courage to do it.

And so, Nick drank. And so, Nick walked by Brian’s doors, knowing that the other man was inside worrying and wondering if there was someone caring for his wounds and his fears. And so Nick turned his face whenever he saw that Brian was about to break down, his tears filled with anger and disappointment because no one seemed to care enough. And so, Nick drank more than before, hoping to wash away that feeling that he should be doing more, that he should fight instead than giving up his dream.

But he didn’t have the courage to do so.

Another man came closer to him, a hand caressing the arm in attempt to flirt. Blonde hair, although too much longer to belong to the one he really wanted and longed to be touched and touch; blue eyes that wanted to invite him for something more, for a chance to forget those thoughts haunting and killing him.

He could do it, why not?

He could let himself be led somewhere private, somewhere where he didn’t have to think about how much he was letting Brian down or how much he was hating himself for letting himself be hurt like that. He could let the world disappear, knowing exactly how he was going to feel in the morning, how guilty his eyes would look if Brian would just so much glance to his side.

He could do it but, for another night, he was going to let that chance pass by. Or, for the first time in a long time, he would do something. He was desperate enough, he was ready to crawl back to Brian and beg him to take him back. Because that was the only solution, the only thing that could make the world right again.

That night, Nick was going to take all the courage he didn’t have. That night Nick was going to leave that bar, leaving those friends that were strangers and didn’t matter that much. That night Nick was going to go back to the hotel and march right up to Brian’s door. And, that night, he was going to knock at that door and stand until Brian wouldn’t let him. Or listen to him. Or give him a sign that things could go back to the way they used to be. That night Nick wasn’t going to go back to his own room with nothing more than regrets, guilty and that sense of things and words left unsaid.    

That night Nick knocked on Brian’s door. Drunk, maybe, but never that sober and full of courage. But, that night, Nick waited.

And waited.

And didn’t give up when he first didn’t get any response.

And waited.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They happened again.

They happened every night. There was never relief. There was never a pause, never a break from the daunting and haunting images that never wanted to leave him alone. They were the nightmares, monsters and demons made of fears and scares, claws that only needed the night and the darkness to come out and drink his blood. They were the thoughts he couldn’t form during the day, the thoughts that he tried so hard to keep down, so down that maybe they would get lost and never come up again. They were the broken promises made by people that whispered behind his back, voicing a doubt that it was already his friend and companion during those sleepless nights.

Yes, he couldn’t sleep. Not anymore, apparently. Kind of ironic, since his body kept feeling as if it was a bunch of tired bones, muscles stretched and abused for too much time. Kind of ironic since sleeping for most of the day had been the very reason that had pushed him to seek a solution, coming back instead with what felt like a death sentence.

_“Your heart is overworking and that’s why you’re feeling so tired all the time.”_

Brian pushed that voice away, wondering why it kept coming back. He sat on the edge of the bed, putting a hand on his eyes and trying to get his breath, and beating, down on control. He could hear it, he could hear how much his heart wasn’t working perfectly: that whooshing sound that always reminded him of the sea or the ocean, its water running up to the shores and then hiding again, as if someone had witnessed it and it wasn’t allowed to. It was strange because he had never been that aware of his heart: he had always pushed his limits, a rebel mind and body that wanted to contradict a sentence done when he had been just a child, and he never worried about not being able to recover. He had never worried about that strange and weird heartbeat because it had never been a problem.

Not anymore.

The worry was always with him. The worry followed him up on the stage, appearing in the middle of one song and so strong and forceful that it almost blocked him, stopping on his tracks because something could happen.

Just like in his nightmares.

They weren’t only about his heart, obviously. Sometimes they were, showing his biggest fear as he was forced to watch himself collapsing in the middle of a show and the whole arena falling into a deathly silence; sometimes they would show another scenario, with him walking away from the stage and quitting that life that had played such a big role into this health problem. Sometimes, most of the times, they were crueler, digging deep down his mind to come up with one of his most(temibili) fears: it happened again that night, he had been left all alone up on the stage while four shadows were walking away from him. No turning back, no looking back. Walking away as if he hadn’t been really part of the group, as if he only mattered as long as he made them more successful. Some other times there was just one ghost walking away, the ghost of a love that he had given up in hope to save something more important. Nick’s ghost, though, never really disappeared when Brian would wake up; Nick’s ghost and their love, another dark shadow climbing upon his back, were always there, whispering regrets and blame that weight more than Brian could possibly hold.

It shouldn’t hurt that much. It shouldn’t feel as if his heart had been torn apart, as if he was walking around with only half of his whole and his soul. It shouldn’t be all those things and much more, that feeling of not being able to breathe normally and as if the world had turned into endless scenarios of grey and black.

Nothing he could say in his defenses made the pain less. Nothing changed the fact that he had given up someone he had promised to love and protect. Nothing could change the way Nick would look at him, that cold stare and those eyes full of a melancholic and nostalgic drink.

Brian had never felt that alone. Everyone treated him as if he was a bomb ready to explode at any moment: there were words of comfort but most of them were filled with so much pity, the _“I can’t believe it’s happening to someone so young”_ that it always made Brian angrier and with the desire to kick them or throw punches.

He didn’t need to be pitied.

He didn’t deserve to be treated like a sick old man, everyone so eager to lend a hand in fear that he would collapse and bring the whole circus down with him.

So, he stayed on his own. Far away from the burning question, far away from those morbid stares, eager to know something that wasn’t up to them to decide or judge. He walked alone, trying just to get though show after show, counting down the days that were left and wondering if it would cause that much trouble if he’d just run away instead than getting his surgery done.

The truth?

Brian was scared. He didn’t want that surgery, no matter how many times he had told himself that he needed it to live. He didn’t want to be different, cast under a glass in fear that his fragile body would fight back another time. He didn’t want to feel weak, brought down to his knees and having to fight, again, to be just like everyone else.

He already done it once, why did he have to do it all over again? And what was going to happen if he didn’t succeed?

_“You can do it. You’re my superhero.”_

Nick’s voice was the worst and, yet, at the same time it was a sort of balm, a soothing comfort that his mind would take out whenever he needed it. Nick’s voice represented that part of his soul that never wanted to keep his head low and just surrender, no matter how weak and tired Brian was feeling. Although the real Nick had never said those words, hiding behind a fear that walked hand by hand with his own. Rationally Brian knew that he couldn’t really blame the younger, who had never been taught how to deal with something like that and offering support and reassurance to someone who had always been strong and in control of everything. Rationally Brian knew that he shouldn’t feel that betrayed, let down and disappointed because Nick had never really tried to fight against his decision to break them up. But alone with his own thoughts? But alone with those demons and ghosts that never left him in peace? Alone Brian couldn’t help but wonder where that love, so praised and begged, had gone if it had taken just one obstacle to make it hide and run away.

Wasn’t he worth to fight for?

At that very moment, a knock came from the door, stripping Brian away from those thoughts’ chains. Yet, he didn’t move from his position but, instead, wishing that whoever was at the door would just leave him alone. It was probably Kevin, checking up on him. Or it was probably someone too drunk who had got the wrong room.

Another knock. Whoever was at the door wasn’t going to go away easily and, just for a brief second, Brian hoped that it could be Nick. His heart made a jump at that thought, tightening painfully believing that its sorrow was about to end. His mind, though, was crueler, whispering to him not to be that hopeful, for Nick wouldn’t knock at his door any time soon.

Still, another knock came from the door. Brian could keep pretending to be asleep, not hearing it but could he lose the chance? Could he be that sure that it wasn’t Nick the one knocking at his door, more desperate and forceful as the seconds ticked by?

Brian made his decision in a blink. He got up, fighting off the dizziness as the world ran around him for a second. He felt more tired than before, more exhausted and more weighted down by the situation but he had learned to live with it, to push it through because it was his only solution. He walked to the door and placed his hand around the handle, ready to open the door but still quite not sure about it: it was an endless struggle, a desire to be held and the fear of showing so much weakness that would make everyone run away from him; a need so burning within his soul and a force to show that he could make it on his own; to be left alone and to be surrounded by love and support.

Why couldn’t things be easy? Just for once?

And, maybe, that last thought and hope were going to be answered for, when Brian finally decided to open the door, there stood Nick on the other side. He looked rough. He looked as if he hadn’t been able to sleep, not really caring about his appearance even if he had just been out.

Even if he still looked beautifully breathtaking.

“Nick.”

The other boy didn’t reply. He had hoped but never quite believed that Brian could answer. So, in that moment, Nick didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t prepared a speech and alcohol was a fog that didn’t allow thoughts to run with clarity.

“What are you doing here?”

Brian’s voice was rough, as if he had just woken up and not from a pleasant dream. He looked miserable. He looked worried. He looked as if he needed to say something but didn’t quite know how to ask for it. He looked as if he wanted to push the other boy away and, at the same time, push him inside the door, clearing that air of storms and thunders that had followed them since that awful night.

Nick knew that he could do just one thing. Well, he could just say that it had been a mistake, and that he was looking for another room or forgot about his own. But that would just add another regret on his shoulders, another reason to go out and drink out all the memories of what he could have done. But, still, he didn’t know what to say exactly. Beg? Be angry? Demand new reasons, demand to be treated as an equal instead than a younger boy? Nothing was going to work, Nick knew it too well.

Nothing but one thing.

Nick didn’t give Brian the time to react. Or to say something more. Or to stop him. He just took a step closer and closed the door behind his back. Brian took a step back, trying to ask Nick what was going on but breath and air were suddenly cut off by Nick’s lips on his.

It felt like coming back home.

It felt like feeling being himself, for Brian had been living as a half being since that dreadful night.

It felt like things suddenly stopped being so out of control, so crazy and so dark.

It felt like Brian could breathe again, half of his worries cut off and shoved somewhere where they couldn’t hurt anymore. Not for now. Not for as long as he could keep kissing Nick. Not for as long as he could ignore how they shouldn’t do it, how they should stay away because the surgery could break them, break Nick, more than Brian could and would allow to.

It felt like history. Like past, present and future all mixed up together, desperately wanting to be heard and not ignored, for every second could bring an end or a new beginning.

It felt like memory, that sweet memory of their first kiss but, at the same time, it was oh so different: gone was the sweetness, gone was that anticipation and that hesitation, for nothing had been quite sure but they tried. They kept trying because those kisses were so addictive and made their whole world better and more beautiful. Gone was the discovery, those sparks of something that was finally free to run wild and stronger than before.

Now there was desperation. Primordial desperation, that kind of feeling that took control of the mind and the body, only aiming to bring solace to that pain that had been crying and pleading for too long. There was a need, that had been hidden under palliatives, by ignoring what their hearts really wanted just because they had thought it was the only solution possible.

But there was something else. A note that was out of tone because Brian couldn’t quite link it to his memories of Nick’s aroma and taste. There was something that made him almost stop, something that put strange and weird images in his mind: other lips kissing Nick’s, other hands touching that skin that, once, had been just his territory to explore and mark; other bodies leaning closer, grinding until there was nothing left as a barrier. And those thoughts… those thoughts became bigger and stronger, impossible to dismiss as a play of his mind.

Reality crashed down on Brian in a halt. A thunder that appeared out of nowhere, because no one could expect how that kiss would turn into that direction. Nick, especially, felt as if he had been physically slapped, hit with the hardest punch and not just from how Brian suddenly stepped back and away from him. No, not just for that detail. The most painful detail was there, written in Brian’s eyes and it read as disappointment and shame.

And, out of nowhere, Brian felt the anger rising its ugly head, its voice growing stronger and bigger as the seconds were ticked off by the watch; it was nagging his own skin, chewing and chewing as if it was some kind of bone that a dog wanted to have fun with. It was there. The anger. It was there in his nerves, struggling to get a control over it. It was in the way he couldn’t look at Nick anymore, ashamed of himself because he had fallen for that lousy and sneaky play. He had been worried. He had been worrying over Nick more than he had done about himself and that was the result?

What a fool he had been!

Wasted tears. Wasted pain. Wasted hours of regretting his own decision, wasted thoughts about how he was going to make things finally right. And, in the meantime, Nick had been out having fun, kissing other men as if he had never promised or swore that his heart and love were beating only one name.

What a stupid fool he had been!

“How many?” The question flew out of Brian’s mouth long before he could stop himself. Or stop that anger and jealousy leaking out and giving away his secret.

Nick was caught off guard, confused by what was happening and what Brian was asking him. Did he wanted to know how much drunk he was? Did he wanted to know how many days had passed since that night, since that last kiss?

What was going on?

“How many others have kissed you?” Brian hissed, those words leaving a bad taste in his mouth. He should have known better, he should haven’t let his heart believe in something that could never happen. Something that he had never deserved in the first place.

“It’s... it’s not like that.”

“How many, then?”

“Let’s not do this now.”

“Why not?”

“Because… that’s not important. That doesn’t matter.”

“Then what is it important? What does matter to you?”

“I... – Nick took a step closer to Brian but he couldn’t help the wince, physical wince, as the other put a bigger distance between them. – They didn’t mean a thing. They were nothing.”

“Nothing.” Brian smirked, spat at that word that didn’t actually help to chase away the hurt.

“Yes, nothing. Just a distraction. Just a way to ease the pain.” Nick didn’t know why it was so important to Brian. Nick didn’t know why it was even part of that discussion. That wasn’t the reason why he came back. That wasn’t the reason why he took courage in his hands and knocked at Brian’s door. The mere reason was that he wanted it back. Everything. Brian. His chance for love. His best friend.

It was heartbreaking. It was disinheriting. Brian wanted to feel the anger, the rage for being cheated on even though he shouldn’t feel that way. Love was hard. Love was complicated and, at that moment, there wasn’t a single thought that could be coherent and logic. All Brian wanted was to unleash that monster living within him, that monster that had fed from him and had dried up his soul. “Was I a distraction too?”

Brian’s tone was a sharp knife, ready to tear down every obstacle it would find on its way. And it was coming directly for Nick’s heart, already bleeding out desperation and need. “No! Fuck, Bri! No!”

“Then why?”

“Why? You even have the nerve to ask me why? Don’t you remember what happened a couple of months ago? Don’t you remember what you have done?”

“I remember perfectly.”

“Then why am I the one being judged for how I dealt with the pain of your actions?”

“I did what I had to do. And I won’t run away from my responsibilities. – Brian tightened his fist, not caring about the pain firing up through nerves. – But is it my fault too? Am I the one to blame even for your own mistakes? Did you want to punish me?”

 “No! Fuck! I’m not that fucking cruel!”

“Then why? Why?”

Nick took a step closer and, this time, Brian didn’t move away. Rage was still storming within his heart, a deep fog that was making almost impossible to see things clearly. Brian wanted to hurt Nick, wanted him to feel all those hours, days and nights spent hating himself. And what for? What had been the point of destroying himself if Nick had just lied from the beginning? What had been the point of those months if, for Nick, he had been just something to try?

“You were the one breaking us. You were the one that took something beautiful and destroyed, only because you were afraid. I was afraid too. I’m afraid too because you can be gone in a blink and I will never know if we were that amazing thing… you were just a coward. I had to see you every day and couldn’t do anything because you didn’t let me. You didn’t let me near anymore. You didn’t want my kisses, my caresses and my hugs anymore. - Nick shook his head, trying not to let emotion get the best of him. – You can’t blame me. You can’t accuse me of something that it’s only your fault.”

Those words hurt more than Brian would ever thought. Those words hurt because they were the truth, plain and simple. It had been his fault, hadn’t it? He had been the one pushing Nick away, pushing him in the arms of others because he hadn’t wanted him to see him weak and scared.

But it couldn’t be just his fault.

“You didn’t fight.” Brian’s voice came out in a soft whisper. A cry of desperation that had ran deep, too deep for bringing any solace or healing. A secret that Brian had wanted to tell so many times, all those times Nick’s eyes would linger a little bit longer and his heart would wonder why didn’t he just fight a little if…

“What do you mean?” Nick asked confused, torn between the need to hug the man and the shock of those words being thrown out like that.

Brian stepped away from Nick, walking over the window and looking out at the dark sky and the so many lights of a city that never wanted to go to sleep. There, in the glass, he could see Nick’s reflection and the way his words had left a mark on the skin, drawing an expression that he had never wanted to see never again. “You just walked away. You went to the next one, faceless people just to forget about me and everything we shared. I might have taken a bad decision. I might have broken us up but you just... accepted it. As if it didn’t matter. As if it wasn’t worth the fight.”

_“Or if I was worth the fight.”_ Brian added mentally, although that thought lingered in the air between them.

It seemed like a dance, although its steps were knives and arms thrown around. This time it was Nick’s turn to take a figurative step back, hit by those sentences that rang truer than his own. He had given up. He had thrown his hands up, surrendered in front of a decision that he had decided that it had been unfair but only objected to that night. That only night.

He should had been the one fighting, he knew. Hadn’t it part of those thoughts that Nick had tried so hard to drink away? He should had been the one trying to make Brian see our wrong he had been. Instead, he had just given him all the reasons why he had been right because Nick couldn’t bear a situation like the one they were facing.

Like the one Brian was facing.

“It matters. You know that it matters more than everything else.”

“Really?” Brian couldn’t help but let out a tone that was half a disappointment and half a pain kept inside for too long.

“Yes. – Nick affirmed, surprisingly sober and seeing more clearly since too long. He could see Brian’s pain. He could feel the way he had been left alone facing it, left in the dark by someone who was now playing the victim card. He was the one playing the victim card, instead that cornering Brian and forcing him to see that they were stronger only when they were together. – You’re right. I should have fought harder. I shouldn’t have let you get away with your decision. But it’s not too late.”

Another step closer. Another one. Only a small distance, only a thin air between them, now closer that they have ever been in a long time. Brian could hear his heart beating more furiously against the ribcage and it was a scaring sound, a deadly fear gripping his veins and tightening up until there was only pain leaking out. Yet he stayed there where he was. Yet he stood there and let Nick place a hand on his cheek, let that caress burn an image and a memory inside his mind and soul. He let himself believe, foolishly maybe but, just for that moment, he let himself be wrapped around the idea that it wasn’t too late. And that he wasn’t alone, after all.

“I was blinded by the pain. I was hurt. I was rejected. And I failed to see that you were hurting too. I hated you for that decision. I hated you and I hated myself because I haven’t been strong enough to stand against you and undone our separation. I failed you.”

They failed each other. They let the other down, disappointed in a way that it was almost impossible to convey in words. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe it didn’t need to be too late but it was hard, difficult, to see an easy solution. For things to be over, both should have been different people, changed in a blink as they promised that things weren’t going to be the same. But none of them could be sure. Brian couldn’t be sure that Nick could keep his promise, especially when things would get harder; and, at the same time, Nick could not count out that Brian wouldn’t leave once again, scared of what the future had in store for them.

“Please.” Nick pleaded, his voice breaking.

Brian turned around and placed a hand on Nick’s, leaning in that caress for a second instead than breaking it off. He wanted to be firm. He wanted to be strong. But being strong, in that moment, wasn’t a choice available. He was tired. He didn’t want to be the cruel one. Not anymore. What was the point? He could run away, he could try to hide but his demons and fears would always be there with him. The love he had for Nick would always be a part of him, no matter how many times he tried to tell himself all the reasons why it was so wrong.

What was the point of keeping up with that losing fight?

Brian didn’t have energies anymore. He couldn’t keep fighting so many battles with no ally on his side to help him. And Nick was there, wasn’t he? It might have taken longer, he might have needed to go through rough times before realizing that he was the one that needed to step up and do something.

Time stood still. Nick’s grip on Brian’s arm tightened up, as if he could share his desperation. As if he could plead and beg without using his voice. Time stood still as Brian wondered, asked himself if he was strong enough to stand his ground once again or if that was one of those times when he should just step down and let someone else take the lead. It felt wrong. It felt right. Confusion and determination swirled around him, making him dizzy. And, instinctively, he held on Nick. He leaned on him, gathering a strength that only a loved one could bring with just one touch.

Time stood still until Brian opened his eyes and looked into Nick’s, pronouncing words that he hadn’t thought he was ready to say. 

“It’s not too late.”

Nick couldn’t believe his own ears. Nick couldn’t believe that those words were still flying around them and that they were there to be touched and held. He was almost scared about taking them, as if they could disappear the moment his fingers would just brush past them. He wanted to lean in. He wanted to lean and kiss those lips, taste if they were telling the truth.

“But you must prove it, Nick. You must fight, this time. I need…” Brian let those words slip away, it was something still too hard to say out loud.

“What do you need, Bri?”

Brian didn’t reply, looking down to hide the shame and the embarrassment for his weakness. Nick made Brian look at him, lifting his chin and still wondering why it was so difficult for him to admit those words. “I’ll fight for you. I’ll fight for us. But you need to fight too. You need to fight and let me inside. Especially now.”

It wasn’t an easy promise to keep. Let someone inside, let Nick inside, was probably something that was going to require more energies that Brian had in that moment. But it was a start, wasn’t it? It was a beginning, a first step into trying to make that relationship work.

“I’ll try.” Brian replied with a weak smile.

Nick smiled too, as if a weight had been finally pulled off from his shoulders. It wasn’t what he had expected from that night, although it was fair to say that he hadn’t expected nothing more than a chance to make himself be heard and listened to. It wasn’t a fairytale ending, where a kiss would have been enough to erase weeks and months of tears and hurting.

It was a start.


	5. Fourth Chapter

Fourth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Together.

It didn’t feel real. Not after so many nights spent alone, so many days spent separated because they had been stupid and idiots and so…

And so lonely.

Lips searched lips, never tired of their taste, never tired of those kisses that had waited too long. It was intoxicating. It was addictive, like one of those drugs that managed to get inside, running through veins and nerves and conquered them, like brave soldiers that had just one thought in mind: get into the castle, get to the heart where life was saved and get their hands on that treasure that made wars happened and blood lost under its spell.

Their last kiss was still lingering between them, bringing back a memory that had never left their minds. Oh, how different now things were! There was no more despair, no more feeling like that was the last chance of making things right, of undoing that hurt that was already knocking at their door.

This time felt right. This time felt as a reward for everything that they had to go through. This time felt like a beginning instead than an ending, the sweetest and most amazing of the beginnings.

Never it had felt that right.

The night was still young, the moon was still dancing in the black sky, jumping from star to star and leaving behind a trail of silver dust that fell upon the world beneath, invisible to its human inhabitants.

The night was young but it didn’t matter to Brian and Nick, lost in a world where time had lost its meaning and its law: minutes stretched into hours, endless strings of seconds when all it mattered was the beating of their own hearts. And faster and faster they beat, still believing that everything would be over when the light would put its head inside the room and morning would be them.

Not that night.

Not that following morning. And the one after. After and after because this time was right. This was the time to go back and get to know each other as if they had been just strangers, two bodies and souls that had wandered alone those days and those nights.

“ _I missed you.”_

Fingertips lingered on the skin, travelling up and down as if they wanted to trace a map made of stars and fireworks, invisible words that wanted to be imprinted and never forgotten.

_Mine. Love. Faith. Trust. Pain. Heartache. Healing._

Over and over the fingertips traced those letters, cleaning those last traces of dry tears that still were looming around, a reminder that it hadn’t been that long since they had been only ghosts, memories of hours spent inside a bubble of a fantasy that had been destroyed in a heartbeat.

Not anymore.

Together.

They were together. Finally. Lips met lips, kisses melted into each other and bodies found their rhythm, feeling as if they couldn’t stand being apart even if it was just for a small, so tiny, distance. It was longing that burned like a fire, flames of all those emotions that had been kept silent for too many lonely nights, too many hours spent believing that it was over and nothing could go back to what it was always supposed to be.

They were always meant to be together, tangled up so tightly that it was almost impossible to distance one from another. They were always meant to melt into each other, perfect together in ways that no one else had ever tried to be. Nick was so sure about it, Nick couldn’t phantom how he had even tried to find someone who would complete him like Brian did. And not just emotionally. And not just in that way that soul mates did. Physically, Brian completed him as if their own bodies had been built and modeled to fit perfectly, two puzzles that had never been able to be finished because the pieces hadn’t been left scattered: those pieces had been there, right there in front of them, since the beginning.

Passion kept the fire burning; nerves changed and morphed into fireworks, bursts of colors that tastes sweeter and sweeter as the seconds tickled by and the world kept being just the two of them. Brian and Nick. Frick and Frack. Those two souls that wanted to be filled, shattered with a love that was finally stronger than rationality and logic. Those two bodies just wanted to be one, see how it felt right to be one.

Nothing else mattered, not even that heart that was beating a little bit too erratically, missing a beat now and then and sharpening a dull pain that, in the midst of passion and touches and kisses, could be easily forget and never wondered about.   

Nick held tight on Brian. His arms were wrapped about him, keeping him safely underneath him as if he was afraid that, when the morning would come, he could and would disappear into thin air.

He wasn’t going to let it happen. Never again.

He held tight on Brian, their hearts beating together as passion, lust, need and desire brought them higher and higher: there was no risk in coming down, there was no fear about suddenly falling. And if it’d happened, it wouldn’t feel like losing because they would still be locked together, arms around each other and that knowledge, that knowing that nothing could ever break them ever again.

Not even death.

“I’m sorry.”

Brian’s whisper broke the silence, that comfortable blanket that had been wrapped around the couple as they recovered, the air filled with the lingering scent of sex. Brian’s whisper sounded almost broken and, for a brief second, Nick was taken back to another night, months and months before, when his apologies led to that mess and destruction that had brought them to that point; yet, that fear was almost immediately kicked back where it belonged, as Nick opened his eyes and found himself falling into an ocean of pure blue and honesty: in that small murmur, in those two tiny and broken words, there was an admission of blame and hurt, wrapped and intertwined together because guilt could be as hurtful as being the one sliced up by its sword. In those eyes, in that voice, Nick found everything that he had wished while drinking away his own pain, that illusion of Brian appearing out of nowhere and erasing months of silence with just one kiss.

“I know.” Nick replied, his fingers playing with a stray hair before pulling it back Brian’s ear. A kiss tasted a trail of tears filled with mixed emotions, for Nick couldn’t tell if they had been of happiness or remorse. He was learning, Nick, that nothing was and would never be easy with that love: it was so much more complicated, so much more filled with layers and layers difficult to keep apart.

But it was okay.

Nick didn’t want it another way. Nick wanted and was willing to learn until difficult and complicated would became another way to say powerful and impossible to break. He would learn and recognize all the layers that made up that man he was holding in his arms, even if it meant to take a step back and let his own pride numb and silence once in a while.

Brian closed his eyes, a soft and tired smile curving those lips red and swollen and still tasting of Nick. There was so much that they still needed to talk about. There were so many things that they had left unsaid but there was time. Thankfully they had the time, even though there was a hidden clock that was tickling too much fast for Brian’s tastes. But, for the first time, Brian let this thought in the back of his mind: that fear, that doubt that had destroyed so much in those past months, didn’t belong in that moment. Now it was just time to enjoy it, to get back at what it felt like to be as one with the one that had been made for him, the one that he had never meant to hurt in that way.

Would it be enough?

Would it be enough to erase all the pain and the tears he had brought on them? Would it be enough to forget that he had been left alone, played that part that the world had given him because no one had dared to see another way?

Would it be enough, starting all over again?

Brian wanted to believe Nick, desperately. Brian wanted to believe when Nick said that he was going to be by his side, no matter what: no matter how hard time would prove to be, no matter how difficult the next weeks were going to be. Most of all, Brian wanted to trust Nick, longed to finally give up some of that control and let be taken care of.

But could words just be enough?

He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to spoil those first hours with those seeds of fear and doubt, mistrust and misunderstanding. He wanted, instead, to thrive into that love and that passion, that need of never be far apart, distanced because it wasn’t just possible to stay as close as possible every single second and minute of their life.

He wanted to forget.

He wanted to get lost, if only for those hours left of the night.

And that was what he did. He got lost in another kiss, and another one, and another again until he could trace every single inch of Nick’s skin. Until he could mark that body as his. Until his mind couldn’t think any more, couldn’t put out another thought that wasn’t how wonderful it felt to be that one with Nick, and how lonely his life had been up until that moment.

Maybe it wouldn’t be enough. Maybe he was just fooling himself thinking and believing that they could be normal, that they could have something normal just like everyone else. Maybe it was just an illusion but who cared?

Did it really matter?

He just longed for this. He just needed this: some peace of mind. A couple of days, weeks, whatever they could manage to scramble just to feel like he wasn’t really going to face a potentially deathly surgery. He wanted to dive into that new relationship, without having to worry if it was really the right thing to do; without having to question himself or Nick.

Could it be enough?

Would it be enough for Nick?

It wasn’t just a selfish desire. It wasn’t just being stubborn and refusing to acknowledge that something bigger and more dangerous was still and would be always waiting him just right around the corner. It was almost selfless, although that could be reaching a little bit too far: but maybe it was because it would mean to be able to give Nick a handle of memories to hold on to if things would go wrong. And being able to give himself that something he had dreamed, longed for so long and almost given up.

Could Brian really deny this to Nick and himself?

And as he fell asleep, locked inside Nick’s arms, Brian’s last thought was just a mere and small wish.

_Please, let me have something normal. Just this time._


	6. Fifth Chapter

Fifth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian had been awake since before dawn, millions tiny butterfly wings dancing inside his stomach. The same, old and usual, nightmare had woken him up but, this time, it didn’t hold him prisoner: how could it when there was a proof, a living and breathing proof, still sleeping right beside him? How could it be when Nick was still there, wrapped around him? How could it be when the room was still filled with memories of the night before, whispering echoes of promises and vows?

_“I’ll fight for you. I’ll fight for us. You have to believe me, this time. I won’t let you down.”_

A part of him wanted to believe Nick. He really did, there was nothing more that he desired but to let someone else finally take his weight and let him worry about everything. It was so tempting, a forbidden fruit that had been placed right in front of his eyes and all he had to do was to reach out and take it.

Then why was it so hard? Why was there a part of his own soul that kept holding him back, whispering words of caution and warning so that he would doubt every promise?

_Because it happened before. Because you gave yourself to someone and he left you behind, battled and shattered. Are you sure you want to do it all over again? Are you sure it isn’t going to happen once again? Are you sure you can build yourself up once again?_

Yes, it happened before and that one experience had been able to shape him into who he had become. But no one knew about it. And no one ever wondered, as if they only needed a half explanation and nothing else. And Brian never talked about it either, so maybe it was half his fault too if people, even Nick, just assumed that that was how he was: stubborn; too proud to admit when he was in need or when he needed help from friends and loved ones.

Could he try with Nick?

Could he trust Nick?

It was hard to ignore that truth. It was hard to dismiss all the reasons why Nick was going to end up forgetting about his good words. It was hard to choke back that voice that wanted Brian to turn his back around and keep holding his defenses up. But what was better? To trust, knowing that there was the risk of getting hurt, or be locked up into his own prison, where nothing and no one could shatter and destroy his self all over again?

Brian held out a hand and caressed Nick’s cheek with a soft touch of fingers: his skin was warm, his eyes still closed and blissed inside a restful sleep. He looked like an angel, resting his wings because even creatures like them needed a break. He looked so beautiful, so precious and tender and Brian could stay like this for hours, just marveling Nick’s beauty and let the small, but so stunning fact that they were together burn upon his heart; he could stay like this, no, they could stay like this and just ignore that there was a world outside that room, going round and round and wanting to get inside and shake everything up.

Wouldn’t it be the perfect solution?

Wouldn’t it be the perfect resolution for all his worries, problems and doubts? They’d stay there, lost within a world they had created and designed, and Brian could forget about his heart problems and a surgery that he couldn’t postpone anymore; they’d stayed there and there wouldn’t be no need to let Nick take control, because there wouldn’t be anything left to worry or fix. They’d stayed there and nothing else would matter, just as long as they could be them.

Wouldn’t it be perfect?

But that was just an illusion. That was just impossible and, so, that trail of thoughts was soon banished out of his mind, leaving the stage to those little monsters that were just ready to play their part. They never seemed to grow tired, particularly at that time of the day when peace was just another metaphor for silence and the sun wasn’t that powerful to chase them away with a breath.

“Stop staring at me.” Nick’s voice was just a breath of air, that kind of elixir that soothe away all his troubles: it took Brian away from that dangerous spiral where he was about to fall into; it took him somewhere safer, somewhere where there was only warmth and love waiting for him. It took Brian back into the present and that present told him that they were together and everything had finally gone back to make sense.

For the moment being.

“I’m looking at my sun. Is that a crime?” Brian replied with that warm voice that always get Nick right in the gut, a pool of amber liquid that washed away whatever nightmares had been still lying around. It was cheesy, that kind of punchline that worked so well in a movie. And, yet, Nick felt a smile creeping upon his face realizing that Brian was referring him as his sun. 

How did he end up so lucky?

How could be possible that things had been so utterly wrong just the previous day? How could be possible that he had been forced to stare at Brian from far away, wondering if they would ever be able to have another chance? And there it was, that chance: it had ruffled sandy hair, a ray of sunlight falling almost perfectly on the skin that, thanks to that golden aura, didn’t look that pale and shallow anymore. Especially, it had blue eyes that were looking at him as if he was the most perfect thing in the whole world, a burning stare that was slowly sealing a wound that Nick had been afraid it would be always part of his soul and history.

“It is when you are supposed to be sleeping.”

Brian needed sleep. They both needed it, having spent and wasted so many nights trying to swallow and numb all the pain and the heartache haunting them down as if they had been frail victims of a powerful perpetrator. So, yes, they both needed so much deserved sleep but Brian needed it a little bit more, his face still bearing a fatigue that wasn’t just caused by their situation.

And didn’t Nick promise that he was going to take care of him? He did, and he wasn’t going to break it so easily, without even trying.

“I slept.”

The lie slipped away so easily, just like all the other times he had glossed over how tired and heavy it felt to just walk around, a big smile and a careless attitude that was only a mask because, in reality, he was frightened and scared as hell. Although it wasn’t just lie, because he had slept better than the previous months and he knew that it had been only because he had been inside Nick’s arms, his heart beating against his back and that breath that had lullabied into a sort of resting sleep.

But it seemed that it hadn’t been enough to put his mind on rest.

Nick didn’t reply immediately but hooked one leg around Brian’s and pushed him closer. He wasn’t going to object, it was too soon to start discussions: Nick didn’t want to spoil those precious moments; those rare seconds, minutes and, maybe, hours that needed to be sacred, only cherished between the two of them because reality was already waiting outside that bedroom, their bedroom, and they were never going to gain them back.

But him not saying anything didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to get Brian back to sleep.

Together.  

“Sleep.” He only said, objecting as it was an order that Brian couldn’t refuse to follow.

And Brian couldn’t refuse that request or, at least, couldn’t say no to the feeling of Nick’s body encased around his. Yet, he wasn’t known to be going down so easily.

“I’m not tired.”

Nick opened just one eye, raising his eyebrow in a scolding yet annoyed expression. While he knew that things couldn’t change overnight, while he knew that it would take more than a onetime promise for Brian to lower his guard and defenses, the lie left behind a bitter taste. Perhaps it was just an exaggeration, and Nick knew that he was the king of blowing things out of proportion; but perhaps it was more than just a natural reaction, a jerk reaction every time someone tried to probe about his health.

Should he be already afraid?

Should he already fear that it wasn’t going to work, that no matter how hard he would try Brian wasn’t going to let him in?

Should he already give up?

“I’m tired.” Nick added, nuzzling his face between Brian’s hair. He wasn’t going to give up that easily and he had a few tricks up on his elbow to get what he wanted. And what he wanted, now, was for Brian to rest a little bit more.

“Then sleep. – Brian replied, taking a stray of blonde hair out of Nick’s eyes and locking it behind the ear. – I’m not stopping you.”

“I can’t sleep knowing that you’re awake.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Brian rolled his eyes, a tiny laughter coming out and feeling as if he hadn’t really laughed since forever.

“No, it’s not. – Nick replied, all of lightness and playfulness gone from his voice. He did feel ridiculous but he just couldn’t help it, especially given their situation and everything that had happened between them in those months. – We’ve wasted so much time apart. I don’t want to waste any more.”

_Especially given what is going to happen in a bunch of weeks. Especially knowing that I could risk losing you forever._ Nick silently added, that fear still holding a grip on him since there was no alcohol or sex around to numb it over.

He wanted to talk about it. He wanted to face Brian and force him to tell everything that had happened, and everything that was going to happen in a few weeks. He wanted to know the real truth about his conditions; he wanted to know how many times he had to beg Lou for those weeks off and were they really long enough to him to recover?

But Nick was afraid of that truth. And he was afraid about Brian’s reaction too.

But that was for another day. That was for when everything had calmed down, for when he wouldn’t feel like stopping breathing if Brian wasn’t at his side. Was it normal? Was it normal to feel like that, to feel as if he couldn’t exist without needing, demanding to that constant reminder that it wasn’t a dream anymore, that it wasn’t an illusion produced by too much alcohol and too little sleep?

Was it normal to want, to need to be inside Brian because that was the only way to make sense of everything?

“I’m… - Brian tried to come up with any reasons but the real one, that doubt and that fear that weren’t that easy to leave behind. He wasn’t sure if it was right to bring them up so soon, as if he had never really given Nick a chance to prove himself. Despite all his fears, despite that voice tucked up inside his mind, Brian wanted to trust and believe Nick. So, maybe, the best choice was to numb it and let time heal the scars of the past. - … I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid it was just a dream. You. Here with me.”

Lips brought up the reply, although it wasn’t spoken or divided between sentences and words. Lips descended upon lips, licking away an invisible pain that throbbed and hurt inside both hearts and souls, a connection that both of them wanted to forget and dissolve into thin air. Blue met blue and lost itself into waves that rushed love and pleasure, reassurance and lust: the need was intertwined around the roots of a love that had so many layers, too complicated to be able to identify and treat as if they were just one and only; the desire couldn’t be stopped, the fire could only burn again, higher and stronger than before because the night had come and gone and they were still together, still linked into a combination of souls impossible to break.

They didn’t wonder anymore, not only because it was hard to think when their bodies moved together and touches and kisses brought them to a dimension when only feelings and sensations mattered. They didn’t need to wonder anymore because it felt right. It felt right to lose themselves into each other, learning new ways to whisper an _“I love you”_ that had marked every inch of skin and heart and feeling as if they would never be that complete and perfect ever again. It felt right because they, Brian and Nick, had stopped caring and listening to every doubt and fear that had lined up around the room, a waiting crowd that could be attended even in a couple of hours, couple of days and weeks.

Everything could wait.

The world, with its spinning and its turns, could and had to wait.

They couldn’t wait, they had been waited for too long and even a second, wasted into too many thoughts and alibis, seemed to be such a shame and crime. They couldn’t wait because they didn’t know what tomorrow was going to leave them outside the door and, so, that was what they wanted to do and be: there with each other, lying on a bed that finally didn’t feel too big and too cold; there with each other, discovering how complete it felt to be finally united, and not just physically. There with each other, listening to their heartbeats and ignoring how one felt too rushed and almost as if it could stop any moment.

They ignored it because, right there within their world, nothing bad could ever happen.

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

 

“We’re going on a date.”

“What?”

Brian could barely understand Nick’s question, his mouth still stuffed with what seemed to be half of his breakfast. How in the world Nick could manage to chew it without risking suffocation was beyond Brian, but that was a mystery that would have to wait to be explained.

“A date.”

“A date?”

“Yes, Nick. A date. – Brian repeated slowly, as if he was talking to a little kid. Well, sometimes Nick still acted like a kid. And Brian too. – You know, when two people that really like each other decide to go out and spend the night together…”

“Didn’t we already spend the night together? – Nick objected, finally managing to chew the last bit of the waffle that he had been eating. – I recall it very well.” Nick ended that sentence with an innuendo, a soft and luscious whisper that went directly through Brian and brought back sensations and emotions still as powerful as the night before.

“I do too. All too well.”

Breakfast was soon forgotten for Nick. There wasn’t that much distance between them, just the needed space for two chairs but it was enough for Nick to come close if he wanted to whisper in Brian’s ear. “We still have a little time before we have to meet the other guys.”

It wasn’t just a soft touch, a caress that lifted the air around Brian and turned it into summer; it wasn’t just a playful request: it came naturally; it came as if it was the most normal thing because they were together and that hadn’t changed. And maybe that was the most surprising thing, that something that was still too amazing and too good to be true.

It was tempting. Nick was tempting, a drug that Brian didn’t want to give up that easily. It was intoxicating, Nick’s aroma was enough to drive his senses crazy and make him forget about everything: common sense, logic and rationality didn’t matter anymore. Duties, responsibilities were soon forgotten because it had been too long since Brian had only thought about himself and what he wanted.

Or who he wanted.

And he wanted Nick. But he wanted him more than just physically. He wanted him in ways that it was difficult to explain, even to himself; he wanted to love him in every way it was possible to, he wanted to teach him how love could be that perfect and amazing force that they talk and sing about in their songs.

“We’re going on a date. – Brian managed to rasp out, his voice vibrating against Nick’s cheek and skin. – Tonight.”

“Come on, Bri! Why should we go on a date?”

“To stay together. To spend some hours together, like any other couple would do. To get to know each other again.” Brian pointed out, his fingertips tapping up Nick’s shirt.

“But we know each other. Isn’t that the whole point of a date?”

“Yes.”

“Then why we should go on a date? I’ve never knew anyone else as much as I know you.”

There was a tiny bubble of frustration that wanted to get out, words that Brian didn’t want to bring alive at the moment; Nick’s objections, Nick’s reluctance was knocking at his beliefs, bringing up a bitter taste that it was hard to shake it off so easily. It was silly, Brian knew that. It was silly because Nick was right, they did know each other better than most of the other couple but they had always been friends. Mentors. They had never been partners. Lovers.

Boyfriends.

A flutter of heartbeat caught Brian by surprise and, for a brief second, he thought how silly and normal it was to feel in that way just because of a single word. Boyfriends. But that soft movement suddenly turned into a painful grip, a sickly reminder that he couldn’t escape what was happening to his body and heart. Time was ticking away, no matter how much he was trying to keep that date out of his mind and just focus on what he had: the amazing and unexpected second chance with Nick; the unexpected opportunity to right a wrong. Yet, his heart didn’t let him get away with it, there it was already ruining their first day together.

“Nick, are you trying to avoid going on a date with me? – Brian asked, his hand mindlessly rubbing his chest and hoping that it would go unnoticed by Nick. – Do you want me only for sex?”

“No! Of course, no!”

“Really?” There was a small grin painting that question, yet Nick kept having that serious and guilty expression on the face.

“Really. If I wanted only sex, I wouldn’t have come back. I want more. I want you, Brian Thomas Littrell.”

It was still hard to grasp that notion for Brian. It was almost silly because they had spent the previous hours proving how much they longed and desired each other, so there shouldn’t be any more doubt on that sincerity behind Nick’s words. But that was love, it was so easy to fall into insecurity and self-doubt because it meat to give oneself into someone else’s hands and heart, hoping to be just enough, despite all the people that could fill that special role.

“Then why are you being this difficult? It’s only a dinner and a movie. Nothing too fancy, I swear.”

Nick bit down his lip, trying to find a way to go out of that tricky situation. There was a very important reason behind his unwillingness, and it had nothing to do with how he wanted to spend his time with Brian. It was quite the opposite, there was nothing more that he wanted but to stay with that man hour after hour, second after second.

It was just a date, after all. It couldn’t hurt, could it?

But. There was a but and it was something that Nick knew that couldn’t tell Brian. No, he definitely couldn’t tell Brian because Nick knew that a discussion, or worse a fight, would only come out from it. And that was the last thing he wanted, especially given that there was so many unfinished explanations they needed to tend and talk about.

Maybe one day he wouldn’t need to use tricks or lie to take care of Brian. Maybe that day was just waiting outside their door and it was only a couple of hours away. Maybe. But why did he have to risk that peaceful and perfect moment? Why did he have to spoil it?

“Bri, we’re not just a simple couple going out. Do you really think that we can sneak inside a cinema without a crowd of fans? It’s going to spoil our evening. – Nick’s fingertip traced Brian’s jawline, stopping just a few inches before his lip’s corner. – It’s going to ruin our very first date. And I don’t want it to happen.”

“Oh. I didn’t think about it.” Brian admitted, Nick’s reasoning wasn’t that far-fetched from reality. Fame and stardom had just started to raise the stakes higher, making it almost impossible to go around a city without having fans following them everywhere.  

So, yes, Nick was right but that didn’t erase that bitterness that still taunted Brian’s throat, as if something had been stuck in it and it wasn’t that easy to swallow it.

“We’re gonna have our date, I promise you. – Nick couldn’t unseen the disappointment darkening Brian’s eyes. But it was for his own sake, that was what he told himself over and over again. – We just have to wait for the next break.”

Brian almost flinched at that last sentence. Was Nick really avoiding the big elephant in the room? Was Nick that naïve that didn’t even remember that the only break they were going to have was for Brian’s surgery? Maybe Nick didn’t mean it literally. Maybe he meant that, whenever they would have a real break, that would be the perfect moment to have tons and tons of dates. Yes, maybe that was the real explanation but a part of Brian, vicious and untrusty, chewed those words until they tasted as ignorance. Until they tasted as another proof that Nick didn’t care, couldn’t and wouldn’t care about that serious stuff that Brian couldn’t erase from his life.

“I’ll hold you on that.” Brian only replied, quickly hiding that disappointed and hurt expression from his face. To mask it perfectly, he leaned closer to Nick and brushed the tip of his nose against his, tasting a little of his breakfast on his lips.

“Well, if you want, we can go out with Howie and Kevin.”

“You and I have different ideas of a romantic date.”

“We’ll just use them as a cover.”

“Poor Howie and Kevin.”

“I’m sure they won’t mind.” Nick nuzzled his nose against Brian’s ear while his fingers caressed the back of his neck, that particular spot that he had learned quite easily to be the most sensible.

“What if I do?”

“I’ll make it up to you tonight.”

“So many promises…”

“I won’t break them.”

Brian believed it. Brian believed Nick. Not wholeheartedly, not hundred percent sure. But Brian believed Nick. Brian wanted to believe and trust Nick.

Although that little voice didn’t seem to lower his tone.

Although that little voice stayed in a corner and kept whispering its noisy words.

Although the wondering question kept lingering between them, breathing a stormy air that was just waiting for the right moment to blow up.

_Would they be strong enough not to get caught in the fire again?_

 

*********

 

 

 

 

The night was still young, its shining stars had just come out, brushing their silver and golden dresses and ready to dance to the tune of that gentle and quite breeze. Yet, no stars or moon could be seen inside the club where women and men were dancing the hours away, drinks were passed around and cheers were made out of the blue while, on various couches scattered around the dancefloor, couples and friends tried to talk and be heard over the loud music.

It should had been a fun night out. It should had been a celebration, although only the two of them would know why and what they were celebrating; yet, Nick couldn’t quite shake away the vibe of something being off, although he couldn’t exactly say what. It was just a feeling, that sensation that nested at the bottom of the gut and slowly poisoned veins and nerves with its acid message, which would only be discovered when it would be too late to stop or fix whatever was wrong. But why, he wondered, as he sat down even closer to Brian and locked his arm around his shoulders, not really minding or caring if someone would look cross at their intimacy. What, he asked himself again, as Brian sighed and snuggled a little bit closer, seemed so off and odd?

It had been such a perfect day. Just waking up and still finding Brian by his side had been the most amazing thing ever happened, a splash into an ocean of truth that could seem an illusion and a dream.

No, it had been real.

And real had been all the hours they spent together afterwards. They kissed. A lot. Long and lazy kisses as if they were still teenagers and couldn’t get enough of those magical and unknown sensations bubbling up kiss after kiss. They talked, although not as much as Nick would had wanted and liked. But they did, talked as if they just met and filling gaps and voids that friendships hadn’t required knowing; they talked about such small things and tried to pile up the serious stuff, like future and things they wanted from that love. They tried and Nick had tried to steer the conversation about what was going to happen in a few weeks: but Brian had always changed the subject, coming up with another story from his childhood or simply by kissing him until he couldn’t even remember what they were talking about.

Maybe it was too soon.

Everything had been perfect up until they had set foot in the club. That was when that strange sensation had started to raise its head and push out its crawls: they danced. They laughed at Kevin’s attempt to hit girls and Howie’s sort of sexual dance moves. They stole kisses and caresses while no one was watching, hiding in one of the dark hallways that lead to the backdoor or the bathrooms.

But something was off.

Under the dime lights, Nick couldn’t really look at Brian’s face and study every expression or spot any hints of tiredness or... something else. Oh, Nick had noticed those flickers of pain and discomfort that would pop up now and then, along with that worrying hand that would massage the chest, and how every time Brian would act as if nothing was wrong. That had been the reason why he had been that so stubborn on not going out, although that plan kind backfired since now they were out and, maybe, Brian was even more tired and exhausted than before.

Yes, going out hadn’t been Nick’s best and most perfect idea but surely Brian wasn’t minding much, was he?

“Are you tired?” Nick asked Brian, a whisper that almost had to be shouted to be heard over the loud music.

“I’m okay.” Brian’s reply was almost instinctive, the first answer that came out his lips every time someone would ask him about his health. And it didn’t matter if it was Nick the one asking, the same level of frustration and annoyance raised up its head.

And it didn’t matter that Nick didn’t believe it anymore.

“We can go back to the hotel, if you want.”

“You want to go back? – Brian asked back, frowning up because hadn’t been Nick the one that wanted to go out? – I thought you were having fun.”

“I am. I am.”

“The what’s the matter?”

The matter was that Nick had promised, hadn’t he? The matter was that Nick had vowed to be less selfish and be more attentive to what Brian was going to need. But it was hard. It was almost impossible to do the right thing when he didn’t know if there was a matter at all. It was almost impossible because Brian was still that closed wall that didn’t let anyone inside and, yes, Nick knew that he couldn’t expect him to open up just after one day but, at least, he could try.

“Nothing. – Nick kissed Brian’s temple, an attempt to kick away whatever doubt or worry his question had raised up. – But we could have more fun on our own.”

“You haven’t said hello to your crew.”

“My crew?” Nick asked with curiosity.

“Yes. That group of people that is waiting for you at the bar.”

“That’s not my crew. Or friends. – Nick replied, glancing at the bar were, indeed, people he had spent so many wasted nights with were just waiting for another round. But that life was over. That life had been just a painful way to forget Brian, never realizing that it could never work that easily. – That’s my past. The only one I want to spend time with is you. You’re my crew.”

He should be feeling happy. He should be feeling loved and treasured. And Brian did. Brian couldn’t help but look at Nick as if he was the only light in the room; Brian couldn’t help but lingering a little bit closer and brush his lips on the corner of Nick’s, just that sweet caress that wanted to be a _“Thank you. You’re my crew too.”_

But Brian, or a tiny part of him, couldn’t help but feel a little bit annoyed at how Nick was turning to be like everyone else: treating him like he was a fragile vase that was going to shatter if not handled with care and attention. And another part immediately replied back, as if it was just an invisible battle going on within Brian’s soul: wasn’t being cared of what Brian had been longing for so long?


End file.
